Cold hands, warm shart.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
