just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
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mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
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Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
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