She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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