Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
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We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
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We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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