Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
