I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
