so let's talk penis.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
