some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
