mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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