Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
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I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
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My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize