Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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