the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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