she woke up with a sticky ear
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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