i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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