so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
