Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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