u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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