your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
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