Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
