I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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