It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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