my phone needs a breathalizer
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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