I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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