I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
someone owes me an orgasm
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
