its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
