She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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