when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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