I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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