What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
