I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
