fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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