Tell her she can't have a vagina
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
