I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
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I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
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Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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