are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
