one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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