Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Found your dick twin last night
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
