I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Randomize
