I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
