we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
