I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
