I faked an abortion last night.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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