I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
