Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
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