you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
sarcasm needs its own font
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
