Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
