god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
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I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
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He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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