I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Randomize