hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Of course I have a pirate flag
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
