2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
