her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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