My brain says no but my pants say off.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
