textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
