My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
