I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I woke up under a house in Key West
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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